I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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