I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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