Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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