A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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