You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
