have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
