Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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