haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
