nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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