i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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