I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
