I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
