Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
