if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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