Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
