Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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