I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
