your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
