I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
