She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
