I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my being single is dangerous.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
