I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
