First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
