They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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