a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
