Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
