Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
