Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
