By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
