He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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