whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
