Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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