Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
