pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
