I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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