And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
time to smoke my breakfast
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
