all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
