There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
