I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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