I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
