I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
