Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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