Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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