These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
