If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
