I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
