Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
