Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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