i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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