I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so let's talk penis.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize