it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
